~sergiofx

Hey, well, i'm finally back online and will have time to work here again. The reason I was absent for a while was the fact that I accidentally dropped my laptop, and my LCD screen got shattered... along with my heart of course..

When I went to replace it, buy a new one or whatever, it turned out that these stuff are really expensive. I have a 15:4 Truebright LCD, so basically, I broke more than half worth of my Laptop. It seemed that to get it fixed, they have to order one for me from the USA, and they also have to fix the inverter, bla bla bla, yea so basically the whole deal is up to 850 or 900$.... Yes, it's that much...

So i thought I'd replace the laptop with a new one, and pay the difference of money... Yea well, that backfired as well, because my old laptop would now be sold at 350$.... Imagine, out of the 1800$ it was worth almost 9 months ago.... What a rip-off... but what can I do... I'm screwed either way... So might as well be screwed with a new laptop...

I got myself a new laptop, but basically with the same components as the previous one... It's a Toshiba Tecra A8, 1GB ram, 120GB HD, 2 Ghz Cpu...

Hopefully I won't drop this one

Anyway, this is the reason I was absent and here i am now... back...

Don't worry, I got plenty of stuff under my sleeves and a lot of ideas are kicking in my head... Let's just see where this takes me.. .

Take care

You know how they say "It's not the fall that gets you... It's the sudden stop at the bottom"


Did it ever feel like you are falling... and falling... and falling? At first glance, the shock of the fall, the heartbeat gets faster, you see yourself slip and you just lose control of your grip... and you fall... into darkness... loneliness... pain...

The fight you put up at the start of the fall fades away... The fall takes so long, you lose interest in regaining the grip... You just want to fall... You let go... Your eyes are tearing, the wind carrying your memories is blowing in your face, you find resistance in the emptiness you are falling into... But then, right then, something happens... something different... The resistance turns into temptation... It turns into acceptance... It is as if you are pulled down, and you feel good about it... No more pain, no more agony... only darkness, which creates a sort of curiosity... You want to know what's down there... You want to know what darkness is...

And in time, you become one with the fall, you become the fall... You'll want things to slow down so you can enjoy the events around you, how they seem to be happening so slowly while you are at incredible speed. You'll want to taste the darkness, fill it at your fingertips, satisfy your sudden lust for it...

You keep on falling...
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And falling
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Sometime later... wait... that can't be said... time doesn't work here. Falling is not a chronological event... It's a state of mind... Let's fix that..

How deep are you going to fall? For your state of mind changes once again, as you shift from curiosity to despair... It was exciting at first, but it faded, like most things does.
It brings you back to a certain childhood memory of yours... Remember that wonderful gift you finally got for Christmas? How excited you were one you ripped through the paper and how many jumps you did? Now remember forgetting about it two months later? Do you even know where it is now?

Like everything else, your excitement reaches its peak and dies... But you are falling still... You can't help it...

You look up... Maybe the top is not so high... maybe You can find a way to get up there again, find Your place to shine again... to smile again...

Too late... you're already far down, and no one is waiting for you anymore... They think you're dead by now... Who would have guessed the fall can take so long? Who would have waited?




Total darkness




Darkness that lost its taste... Now that you tasted it, now that you spread your arms in it and felt it touch every fiber... it has lost its taste... Not what you had hoped for... Not as tempting anymore... It's just... darkness...

Now what? No more going back, now more enjoying the moment... only one place to go...

The Bottom...





Did it ever feel like you are falling... and falling... and falling?


Did you ever wish you hit that sudden stop?
The place where everything stands still... where the past and future merge to become your present?

The quiet place.... so quiet....

"Finally" you think "I made it... I hit rock bottom... no more falling..."


"It's not the fall that gets you... It's the sudden stop at the bottom"

I disagree... The sudden stop at the bottom is my relief... my savior... It's the fall that gets me...

It's 3:19 am. I shouldn't be sleeping if that's what you're thinking. I should be doing my projects. Yet, here I am, sitting, not doing anything important... Just wondering...

I look at my room, couple of posters above the computer table where I am sitting now, a busted Pentium 4 that I should fix soon is right behind my laptop, 4 remotes next to me: TV, DVD, AC and an old one that I am tired to figure out what is it used for. You know, the usual room. Couple of clothes here and there, some projects, oh, and a fish that I have been neglecting for a while... Poor thing, haven't changed her water in about three weeks... "Swimming in my own shit" she must be thinking... Or is it a "he"?

It's calm in here... my own world. No one would get in unless I welcome them. My refugee from the world, my own sanctuary. I guess the consequences of my life put me in a lonely room for nearly all my life, and I got used to it. I can't tell if me having intimacy issues (ask those who are close), is a bad thing, or the fact that I feel free in my own space is the bad thing. I just know one thing. This is me.

I am watching a show that is supposed to show you how to make it in the big leagues... How to accomplish your dreams, and supposedly, be happy. I find myself being pulled into two different directions, both on the negative side. One would be the resentful emotion that took hold of me most of my life, that low self-esteem, the "I'm never gonna make it" side of me, while the other direction takes me into rage and anger at the structure I live in, the one that forces me to chase my dreams, that plays tricks with my mind and makes me believe that to live, I have to start living...

Which one is it? Should I or shouldn't I?

We fight correct? It's nature's law? 'The survival of the fittest'? (sorry baby doll, I know you hate this quote) We fight for our rights, we fight in the E.R to save a life, we fight to make our dreams come true, we fight for our love... Anyone wondered who is it we are fighting with? Who is the enemy?

Is sadness the enemy? Is it death? Why do I fight to survive? What's so appealing about surviving?

It's circular isn't it? Life, Survival, the Continuation... whatever you want to call it. We survive to keep surviving. It's one day at a time, until we die. Sure, it does seem like a pessimist talking, it does look like I am wearing a "I am a mis-understood teenager", but is it not. I do see the bright side of life, I do enjoy when there is a time to enjoy, I do know that waking up and knowing today you're gonna look in the eyes of the person you love is more than enough, but at the same time, it's like something must be taken, so that another must be given.

Life has to take something from me to make me enjoy what she is going to offer. I can't say that this isn't fair, because I never read once, not in any religious, scientific or paranormal book about anything that even resembles the life of: "Life is supposed to be fair!" That's what makes me wonder when people go around saying: "It's not fair!"... Exactly who said that it's supposed to be?

But where am I heading? Where will the road take me next? I know I have so much ahead of me, I look at my mother's life and see her ups and downs, where she was and where she is now... Life takes you places you never thought you'd go.

I myself, in my 21 years of living, was born in a civil-war that lasted 5 more years since the day I saw light, I witness the divorce of my parents after us changing three houses by the time I was 8, I cried silently in my bed when a girl broke my heart when I was 12, I hugged my best friend at my father's funeral, and felt that nothing means anything anymore, even though 5 days before, I was surprised to how little my father meant to me. I survived so far more than 20 car bombings, including 2 about 1 KM away from my house, and 2 near by university. I survived a devastating 1 month war last year....

I guess it's safe to say that I don't know what the word "peace" means. And I am not talking about the political one, I am talking about feeling safe, safe in your country, safe in your house and safe in your mind.

How did it come to this? Why is my dream so clear in my head, yet so distorted in my reality? Is it fear? Higher powers? Commitment? Where does my dream ends and others begin? Why am I only happy when I am sad? What's wrong with just being happy with no fear? and Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?